In-visible Pain

You cannot objectify chronic pain. It is invisible. No brain scan proves it, no blood test shows it. There is no evidence for the hell you are going through. It’s all in your head. And it is mighty real.

I have been suffering from chronic pain since I was a little girl. The fact that nobody found any explanation for it made it clear to me that I had to endure it. It became a given to me which I learned to ignore as much as I could.

The pain developed into an uninvited guest who frequently came to visit me, disturbing my plans and messing up my life. Over the years, I tried many different medical treatments and lifestyle changes to find relief or - even better - to keep it away for good. Only to realize that it didn’t work out in the long run. The pain always returned, more forceful, more frightening.

Sometimes, the pain brought friends along, also known as Depression and Anxiety. It was getting more and more difficult to ignore it. Still, I kept myself busy with fulfilling my duties and meeting up with the standards I had set for my life.

Until I realized that my body was no longer willing to obey. Until I realized that medication did no longer bring relief. Until I realized that I had to make room for the stuff I had been pushing down for so long.

One step on the way for me was to make the invisible visible. In portraying myself throughout this process, I came face-to-face with my truth. I took off the mask and explored what was beneath it. My camera became the only witness when there were no words left.

For the first time in my life I saw clearly how I kept myself stuck in a vicious cycle. I began to understand that the pain is nothing to be pushed against, nothing to be ignored, but instead: a messenger that deserves to be heard. Being aware of my body, as well as accepting and integrating the physical signals now became an essential skill for me to maintain my balance.